Emo Kid's Lame Whining Fest

Discussion in 'Everything Else' started by hawk4x4, Feb 6, 2011.

  1. I just felt the need to continue the status updates on my life that I started in the My Life is Sad: My Pathetic Existence thread at PVC.

    I ended by saying I was over it. This weekend, I realized I'm not.

    Not to say that I'm not over HER. I am most definitely over her. That story has ended. But I'm not over what happened.

    I went away this weekend with a girl. We've been hanging out as friends for a couple months, and we planned a trip. My intention was to see where it goes. I really liked her.

    After spending the longest span of time with her alone, I gained insight into my current state. First of all, me and the girl have alot in common. In fact, so much so that its like we are the same person. So much so... that it was boring and unstimulating. I realized this weekend what I was doing. I didn't want her, I wanted someone. I'm pretty certain she and I can be very good friends still, but we could never work out together. She's not the type of girl I'm meant to be with.

    She is safe, the exact opposite of my ex in every way. She likes the exact same shows, same music. She agrees with everything I say. She follows me and looks to me to make decisions. She is passive in every sense of the word. I thought that was what I wanted. This weekend I realized that its not at all what I want. I need someone to disagree with me, to force me to learn and try new things. I need someone not afraid to tell me to STFU when I need to. I need someone to lead me. When I push, I need someone who pushes back. This girl is not that girl. She was a safe choice that I was unconsciously making to fill some void in myself. That void can't be filled with a relationship.

    I'm not over my situation because I'm unhappy with myself. I've made a ton of progress with my life and sense of self, TONS since this all started, but I know now I'm not done. I need to come to terms with what happened, I need to create my own resolution, and I need to become strong enough to put it behind me. While the events of the last decade don't directly effect my choices, the burden of what happened still weighs heavily on my mind. It certainly doesn't help that I never got any closure. I'm conflicted by the fact that I made peace with a girl who did more damage to me than I realized. I viewed social progress as signs of my endurance against the past decade, but it really wasn't endurance, it was my strength to overcome what was done to me, that SOMETHING bad was done to me and its not something I'm ever going to be able to brush off. Its a scar I need to live with.

    Honestly, I'm glad nothing went as I planned this weekend. I almost made a big mistake that would have ended ruining a good relationship I have with someone. The problem is me, and I need to work on that. This is the clearest I've been able to look at myself, almost denial-free. I shouldn't be denying that it bothers me. I know it bothers me, I need to accept that it bothers me and I need to get to a point where it doesn't bother me before I go diving into anything.

    I need to be single for a while. I thought I was lonely, but that feeling stemmed from my unhappiness with myself. My inability to cope, my avoidance of sticking up for myself, my need to look out for everyone else before myself. Just realizing this makes me feel lighter and less weighed down.

    I realized another thing: I need to know what I want and make it happen. I can't live doing what I think I should do, or what people tell me what I should do. The trip was to go up and visit a friend of mine in school. One of the friends who my girlfriend cheated with. I've been told over and over again to cut people like that out of my life. But I shouldn't, because I don't want to. He was just as abused by this girl as I was. He took the better way out than I did, he cut off ties and moved on with his life. I envy him and I'm proud of him. He's too good of a guy to cut out of my life, I know this especially after seeing just how happy he was to see me. He was creating a new life for himself free of everything that brought him down, but I could see that he genuinely was happy I was still a part of his new life. We had a great time this weekend, given what went on, we are almost better friends now than before. How do I cut people like that out? I don't want to, because they are essential to me refinding myself and moving on.

    I'm only uncertain about one thing now: I feel like a need closure, like I need to know exactly what happened over the last decade, I need to know where I went wrong so I can learn from it and I need to know that it wasn't all my fault that I was made too look like a fool. Do I need to keep prying into this? I feel like I'm unburying a fresh corpse because I don't believe the cause of death I was given. I don't want to let sleeping dogs lie, but is it a good idea to pursue this? I'll only end up making myself look like the one who is dwelling on the whole thing. But I feel like I can never move on without know and I know SHE is never going to tell me.

    Either way, I'm feeling pretty damn good about where I'm going, there is a horizon out there and I'm headed for it.
  2. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    You dumped her just in time to watch the Super Bowl. Wise man :) plus you've evaded all the valentines junk!! Who breaks up over the winter hollidays? Girls that's who. real men break up in February. Good man! I'm proud of you.

  3. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    You just need to take things slow and steady. You've spent so long being part of a whole that you've forgotten what makes you, you.

    Learn to feel whole as yourself, you don't need anyone else to spin you a tale or make your excuses for you. If you're still waiting for her to give you closure, then you are not as free as you think. She's still got power over you.

    If it was your fault, you'll know what you did. If you can't find a reason, then it's not you at fault here. You are not responsible for her actions.

    Put the past behind you, you need to live for today, not what's passed. If you can, find a hobby that you love, if it's a sociable one, all the better. You'll stop yourself dwelling on the memories and soon you'll wonder why you made such a fuss.

    Take it easy.
  4. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    Chi, you are telling me to distract myself until it fades away. I've done that and its not working. I need to figure out how to end it myself, I just haven't figured out what is going to do it for me. I'm not the type of person who can lock things away.

    I looked over my post, and it doesn't really convey how I really feel on the surface. Today I've been absolutely miserable and down on myself. My small sense of contentment comes from knowing that when I was distracting myself and feeling like I was happy, everything still haunted me. Knowing and feeling that things are not good allows me to have reason and motivation to fix them rather than pretending everything is okay and hoping that facade eventually fulfills itself.

    I've basically been pretending everything is fine while in a rut, now I'm seeing that everything isn't fine and I need to dig myself out.
  5. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    Wait! Your mate slept with your girlfriend and you still have him as friend? Some mate that is. You are mad, but good luck for your future man.
  6. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    Seriously. The guy has no respect for him and sounds like a total douche.

    The correct thing to do in this situation is punch the guy in the face and never talk to him again. You don't stay friends with him and talk about your feelings while watching Twilight. What the hell is wrong with you emo kid?
  7. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    What's to say he will not do it again in the future. He may now think he has a free ticket since Hawk took him back with open arms.
  8. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    Your'e looking for a quick solution. It probably wont happen. I'm guessing it will take at least a year to get over this. I'd says that's a normal healing time for what you've been through.
  9. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    Hawk needs to get out of namby pamby land and find some self confidence. You don't stay friends with some dude who was banging your girlfriend behind your back.

    Also, it sounds like you had a chick who was submissive and ready and willing and you didn't bang her? What's wrong with you? Are you gay?

    Hawk4x4's To Do List:

    1. Kick this "friend" in the nuts. Hard. With boots.
    2. Fuck this chick, even if she's just a rebound. She's probably willing to do all kinds of stuff your ex wouldn't. I bet she'll let you put it in her pooper.
    3. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. This lack of self respect is why your ex walked all over you. That and she's a whore.
  10. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    Hear hear Monkey. At least you know how to be a real man. Banging that bird would have been my first action once alone with her.
  11. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    I gave you the greatest advice in the history of the internet, and this is what you did!!
  12. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    OK, let em clear something up.

    1) I know the dude really well. I also know that it happened during a rough patch in his life a while ago. He's not the type to intentionally hurt someone, he's actually a bit pathetic, plus we weren't that good of friends at the time. I have no doubt in my mind that she sunk his claws into him. Even though I was pissed at first, I'm going with the fact that things have changed since then, we are better friends now and why should I hold it against him. What is there to gain? My self respect doesn't change one bit either way.

    She is the enemy, not some guy she fucked with, and I don't mean sex type fuck, I mean screwed with his head. He hasn't ever mentioned it, I got all the info second hand, but I was told that he did feel very guilty about it and was afraid to tell me because of how I'd react so he avoided me for a while. At the time, I'd have said fuck him, but we are beyond that. I LIKE having him as a friend still regardless of what happened. It actually means we have a lot more in common than I realize, we got messed with by the same girl.

    Besides, who the hell knows what she said to him. For all I know, she told him we had broken up and we weren't good enough friends at the time that he would have known either way. Bad intentions are unforgivable, but mistakes are not.

    2) Normally I'd go with the banging the rebound chick but she's too good of a person and I know it would fuck her up if I hit it and quit it, so I didn't. I'm not some slobbering caveman, I'm a decent human being who is not going to ruin a nice girl just to get my dick wet. If she was a big bitch, I'd have plowed her like there was no tomorrow.

    3) Just so you all don't think I'm a total push over, there was another dude I was still friends with who was one of the guys. I had words with him already and cut ties. I'm capable of separating myself from douche bags, but I'm not going to kill a friendship I value over something in the past that I really blame on some other awful creature. I'm picking and choosing who stays and who goes, no worries about that.

    The problem now is just how I feel about myself after all this. And that's not something I can just fix by beating my chest and pussy diving.
  13. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    Bullshit. Your ex doesn't have some special hypnotic power over men. Stop putting her up on some pedestal. There was poontang, and this so called friend doesn't respect you so he hit it. It sounds like a lot of the people you thought were your friends don't respect you. She may have been a whore, but they made the choice to sleep with her.
  14. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    Goddamn. That was harsh.

    I have various cliques of friends, that I have varying degrees of friendship with. If you remain friends, hopefully he is one of the outliers. Most of my closest friends have been vetted since childhood. You gotta keep the inner circle motherfucking tizzite.
  15. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    Yah, he is not one of the close friends, just not someone I feel like I should give the boot. Maybe he is a douche, so are some of my best friends.

    Its all about what I take from it. I have fun with him when I see him, thats good enough for me. Its not like I'm marrying the guy.


    That being said, my original post was made on a whim. I was in a mood after a weekend with a very boring girl whom I felt bad for because she is so uninteresting and insecure. I'll be honest, I didn't have fun, and I blamed myself for it. I'm feeling better today and I'm thinking I don't need to be so hard on myself, why the hell do I worry about other people so much? I just need to worry about myself, hence why I'm ignoring all of you as far as the guy friend goes. Not to mention, he could be the means to my closure. If I can get him to come out and say what he did, I'll have ammunition against the bitch I was dating. The more I think about it, I'm a spiteful person and I won't feel good about myself until raise some kind of hell with her. That will be my closure, when I finally get a chance and have the stones that is...
  16. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    Codependency issues.

    Your relationship with your ex stinks of it from the way you describe it. It sounds like it was very one sided and emotionally abusive on her part. You need to stop putting other peoples' needs ahead of your own.
  17. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    I wish this rollercoaster would just stop.

    I've had a half dozen people come to me this week saying I should be with this girl who I went away with this weekend. I shrugged off most of them off, but my one buddy insisted I explain my lack of interest. After I told him what I thought, he called me out on not realizing that I was describing the perfect girl as... my ex.

    Fuck me. :/
  18. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    I think what we have here is a clear case of Stockholm syndrome.

    Time flows like a river, my friend, and history repeats.
  19. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    But a river never repeats... I'm so confused.
  20. Emo Kid\'s Lame Whining Fest

    Don't they teach the water cycle in American schools?


    Probably banned because it suggests that rain isn't god having a piss.