I just felt the need to continue the status updates on my life that I started in the My Life is Sad: My Pathetic Existence thread at PVC. I ended by saying I was over it. This weekend, I realized I'm not. Not to say that I'm not over HER. I am most definitely over her. That story has ended. But I'm not over what happened. I went away this weekend with a girl. We've been hanging out as friends for a couple months, and we planned a trip. My intention was to see where it goes. I really liked her. After spending the longest span of time with her alone, I gained insight into my current state. First of all, me and the girl have alot in common. In fact, so much so that its like we are the same person. So much so... that it was boring and unstimulating. I realized this weekend what I was doing. I didn't want her, I wanted someone. I'm pretty certain she and I can be very good friends still, but we could never work out together. She's not the type of girl I'm meant to be with. She is safe, the exact opposite of my ex in every way. She likes the exact same shows, same music. She agrees with everything I say. She follows me and looks to me to make decisions. She is passive in every sense of the word. I thought that was what I wanted. This weekend I realized that its not at all what I want. I need someone to disagree with me, to force me to learn and try new things. I need someone not afraid to tell me to STFU when I need to. I need someone to lead me. When I push, I need someone who pushes back. This girl is not that girl. She was a safe choice that I was unconsciously making to fill some void in myself. That void can't be filled with a relationship. I'm not over my situation because I'm unhappy with myself. I've made a ton of progress with my life and sense of self, TONS since this all started, but I know now I'm not done. I need to come to terms with what happened, I need to create my own resolution, and I need to become strong enough to put it behind me. While the events of the last decade don't directly effect my choices, the burden of what happened still weighs heavily on my mind. It certainly doesn't help that I never got any closure. I'm conflicted by the fact that I made peace with a girl who did more damage to me than I realized. I viewed social progress as signs of my endurance against the past decade, but it really wasn't endurance, it was my strength to overcome what was done to me, that SOMETHING bad was done to me and its not something I'm ever going to be able to brush off. Its a scar I need to live with. Honestly, I'm glad nothing went as I planned this weekend. I almost made a big mistake that would have ended ruining a good relationship I have with someone. The problem is me, and I need to work on that. This is the clearest I've been able to look at myself, almost denial-free. I shouldn't be denying that it bothers me. I know it bothers me, I need to accept that it bothers me and I need to get to a point where it doesn't bother me before I go diving into anything. I need to be single for a while. I thought I was lonely, but that feeling stemmed from my unhappiness with myself. My inability to cope, my avoidance of sticking up for myself, my need to look out for everyone else before myself. Just realizing this makes me feel lighter and less weighed down. I realized another thing: I need to know what I want and make it happen. I can't live doing what I think I should do, or what people tell me what I should do. The trip was to go up and visit a friend of mine in school. One of the friends who my girlfriend cheated with. I've been told over and over again to cut people like that out of my life. But I shouldn't, because I don't want to. He was just as abused by this girl as I was. He took the better way out than I did, he cut off ties and moved on with his life. I envy him and I'm proud of him. He's too good of a guy to cut out of my life, I know this especially after seeing just how happy he was to see me. He was creating a new life for himself free of everything that brought him down, but I could see that he genuinely was happy I was still a part of his new life. We had a great time this weekend, given what went on, we are almost better friends now than before. How do I cut people like that out? I don't want to, because they are essential to me refinding myself and moving on. I'm only uncertain about one thing now: I feel like a need closure, like I need to know exactly what happened over the last decade, I need to know where I went wrong so I can learn from it and I need to know that it wasn't all my fault that I was made too look like a fool. Do I need to keep prying into this? I feel like I'm unburying a fresh corpse because I don't believe the cause of death I was given. I don't want to let sleeping dogs lie, but is it a good idea to pursue this? I'll only end up making myself look like the one who is dwelling on the whole thing. But I feel like I can never move on without know and I know SHE is never going to tell me. Either way, I'm feeling pretty damn good about where I'm going, there is a horizon out there and I'm headed for it.