Shadow Man Steven Seagal is fucking hilarious. The guy is a legend in his own mind. He was never in any good movies. Even back in the 80s and early 90s his movies sucked. Under Siege, which is supposed to be his best movie, was just a cheap Die Hard knockoff. He's fat and can't fight or really even move worth a crap, and wears the same black outfit in every movie to hide his blubber. His movies always involve him playing an ex something or other (CIA agent, Navy Seal, Black Ops commando, fill in the blank) who's out for revenge. And now he keeps pumping out these horrible direct to video movies made in eastern Europe where he uses body doubles and looks like he was on set for all of about five minutes to say a few one liners.
The Under Siege films I enjoyed, the rest were garbage. You ever see the one where he is a Vampire hunter? That was the lamest film ever.
Against the Dark? Yes, that was a fucking awful movie. That was another one where Seagal used body doubles a lot to hide how fat he's gotten and looked like he wasn't on set very long. The only reason I even know what these recent movies are is because there's a station on cable that plays Seagal movies late at night. I'll admit that I enjoyed Under Siege, but it was still basically a Die Hard knockoff. Although much of my enjoyment of Under Siege came from Gary Busey and Tommy Lee Jones giving very hammy, over the top performances.
The Forgotten Some chick's kid gets abducted by aliens, and everyone who would know the kid has either had their brain erased or tells her she never had a kid. She has government agents and disguised aliens chasing her, and anyone who pisses off the aliens gets sucked into the sky. This movie reminded me of terrible 1950s sci-fi. It was hilariously bad and took itself very seriously. It would feel right at home on Mystery Science Theater.
Ha! You watched that on Netflix didn't you. It keeps coming up in their shitty new movies for streaming section.
Kissed It was an unconventional love story involving necrophilia. Some chick gets aroused rubbing dead animals against her body, so she gets a job at a funeral home where she fucks the bodies. She eventually meets a real boyfriend who knows about her problem. He thinks she's stopped, but then he smells formaldehyde on her is like "you've been cheating!" He then becomes obsessed with looking like a corpse to win her over and actually kills himself so she'll fuck him. The box for the movie says something like "love knows no bounds" and I guess that's true. It ends with her fucking her dead boyfriend and talking about how she still fucks corpses to this day, but he was the best corpse she ever had. I have no idea what the fuck I watched, and I'm still baffled that this movie even existed. It's not like the corpse fucking was implied either. It shows it. I couldn't stop laughing through most of it because it was a serious art house film and not a comedy, despite seeming like an overlong Kids in the Hall sketch. It would have been funnier with a Rifftrax, but it was already hilarious.
Re: Greatest Movies of All Time I've not seen Indian Robot Endhiran but after seeing this compilation of it's action sequences I'm putting it forward as one of the greatest movies of all time.
That's got to be some of the lamest shit I've ever seen. There's nothing even original about it. It's just a bad Indian knockoff of Terminator and Transformers. They even stole the part in T2 where T1000 pulls the guy out of the helicopter.
You do realise that's exactly why it's so awesome? It's unbelievably bad. I was honestly sat there thinking I can't believe this is happening, that this film exists! It's basically The Mask and The Terminator. Am I correct in assuming you're not interested in seeing 2016? That film looks so fucking terrible it's got to be worth a watch. Really bad CGI terminators throwing really bad CGI Ferraris onto women. Also really bad CGI Aliens. What's the film called? 2016!
Chill Factor There's a new kind of top secret ice cream that explodes when it melts. Cuba Gooding Jr's got it, and ninjas and government agents want it. If it's not kept cold, everyone dies.